By definition relatives are relationships we acquire by birth, not through choice. If I put my belief in the concept that we do choose our parents and all others in our lives before we take birth, then by that logic we choose our relatives too. Why did I choose the people who are my relatives if I cannot identify with them on most of the topics/ideologies/thinking, etc, etc? Was it for the sole purpose of learning to live and love people who are my exact opposites?

I find it easier to relate to strangers and friends than with my relatives – a brutal truth. It took me a long time to accept this fact. I am yet to understand why this is so? On reflection I found some facts which exist in my transactions with them or in theirs with mine:

With strangers, one has no expectations or else the expectations are at the minimum. If they do something for us, we usually tend to be grateful for their deeds as a decent human being. With relatives, the wish list is relatively too long, too exhaustive and most of the time too impractical!

The basic assumption is that if the person is my relative then it’s his/her moral duty to be there for me, come what may! We tend to violate the basic maxim of respecting the right of the other person to choose to do/act/think in a manner which they find befitting their true selves. The expectation comes from the hilarious notion that “if he/she is my relative, then how can he/she not do this for me”?! Do we expect the same from our friends – even the closest ones? NO. There we are willing to respect and rejoice the uniqueness of that person, not find fault with that.

The second challenge lies in the fact that we expect “returns” on our good deeds done for our relatives. It’s typically like if “we could come to your daughter’s wedding and do so much, then how come you cannot come to my daughter’s weeding and do the same, if not much more!” Typically, when we do something for our friends, the bean counting is either nonexistent or much more lenient. Now the rationale behind this particular phenomenon beats me!

The third challenge is the perceived hierarchy in the family and whether ones actions/inactions are in sync with that! Some people, by virtue of their actions/money/attributes assume certain roles and responsibilities in the family structure and all hell can break loose if that status quo is not maintained by others. “Financial status” goes a long way in making or breaking such hierarchy in the family so also the “social skill sets”.

Another peculiar phenomenon is the tendency to interfere in the matters of others under the guise of “being your well wisher/relative”. However, that I think is a universal trait most us Indians have! This one quality succeeds in keeping people alienated as no other trait in a human being can. For the simple reason that it violates the basic need of a person to have at all times – the freedom to choose and be whatever that person wants to be.

Despite all of these pitfalls, I have found myself being happy for my relatives, basking in reflected glory of their achievements, in being inspired by their actions and thoughts (and at times, repelled too!). There is a strange bonding. I know from experience that if a person comes up to me or is introduced to me as a relative (howsoever far flung the relationship might be in the family tree!), a part of me would accept that person as a part of my life without asking the usual questions that would be there for a stranger… Is this my personal bias or is this bias universal, I wonder!?