What makes people rude and insensitive?

Often I have seen and experienced people being rude and insensitive in public life. Last two days, I have had two different individuals dishing out absolute non sense to me for apparently no reasons. At least I could find no reasons for their ruffled feathers!

First I was shocked with their audacity and then I experienced anger. Much later I wondered as to why anybody would sting with words for no reason? Are they so screwed up inside that they feel compelled to spit out their venom in some form on fellow human beings? Or is it a low self esteem which experiences a high when it throws darts of sarcasm on human targets? I also felt compelled to wonder that if these individuals can behave the way they did in public life, how would they be treating people in their personal space where the veneer of sophistication is usually either abandoned or exists with much less intensity. I shuddered to think!

If one is to believe that the world around us is a reflection of who we are within, then I find it an unpalatable fact that I must be rude and insensitive too! Then the question arises why would I need to be rude or insensitive to people around me?

Observing our feline friends (cats) I realized that they increase their size manifolds (you will be amazed to see how many times their tail can become its original size!) when they feel threatened for food or mate. A primitive and effective tool for survival or ensuring success in a battle! We are no different I guess. When we feel threatened by anybody for whatever reasons (trust me they are all legitimate for each individual!), our ego comes to our rescue as a soldier riding over with armor. And out comes our sword of words that are rude or a behaviour which is insensitive!

Inside all of us is a small child who is usually unloved and scared of the world, who still is not sure whether or how it will survive the world outside the womb of his/her mother. As a child we could cry out or throw a tantrum to get the attention and love we needed to survive. But as adults, we no longer have that luxury. We are now expected to be grown ups who can take care of themselves AND others!

No wonder, we all tend to be so offensive. We are craving for love, security and an assurance that “all is well”. Mostly our prayers are either a demand or a complaint – on the surface a devotional offering –  and underneath having our most basic fears/ concerns for survival…

Yet, I guess there is hope and room for transforming myself and consequently the world around me. If lack of love drives me to behave in a nutty way, then others around me would be no different. The rude or insensitive behaviour might be the signpost they are carrying to signal that they are feeling unloved or unsafe. A cat comes back to its natural size and shape when it knows it cannot lose, that it has its own safe space and mate! We humans also need to experience love to feel complete and happy. May be the next time I find myself acting cranky, I will take a pause and give my “inner self” the love it is craving for, not waiting or expecting the outside world to do it for me. And when I meet a rude/insensitive person in the outside world, may be a mental or physical idea might not be such a bad idea to change the vibrations!

What do you think, will it work?

Daily Excursions… “Reading the book “Eat, pray, love”

I am currently reading the book “Eat, pray, love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. I am extremely delighted to read in the newspapers that a film is being made with Julia Roberts on this book. I think she is an excellent choice for this particular role.

My close friend had recommended this book to me and I am thankful that I bought it! It’s a beautiful book about the discovery of the self spanning a full year of travelling to three countries – Italy, India and Indonesia…

Every woman can identify with the thoughts, emotions and the life situations the author has gone through. She is unique (as all of us are and never realise!) and has a way with words such that the narration evokes visuals with ease and panache. There is something very wholesome and charming about the way she has sketched the journey of her life till the point of divorce, the painful space of going through the divorce, the decision to travel for a year to the three countries to heal herself, the experiences she has in each of these countries and how she connects with herself in the course of this entire quest…

What has appealed to me is the risk taking ability of this lady to travel the path less travelled and the quality of playful honesty with which she has shared her innermost turmoils and triumphs. She has explored the corporeal and spiritual realities with equal élan and passion! I hope lots of people would relish this feast as much as I am relishing it now!!! Bon appetite!

Daily excursions … “Relatives and relationships – a strange paradox”

 

By definition relatives are relationships we acquire by birth, not through choice. If I put my belief in the concept that we do choose our parents and all others in our lives before we take birth, then by that logic we choose our relatives too. Why did I choose the people who are my relatives if I cannot identify with them on most of the topics/ideologies/thinking, etc, etc? Was it for the sole purpose of learning to live and love people who are my exact opposites?

I find it easier to relate to strangers and friends than with my relatives – a brutal truth. It took me a long time to accept this fact. I am yet to understand why this is so? On reflection I found some facts which exist in my transactions with them or in theirs with mine:

With strangers, one has no expectations or else the expectations are at the minimum. If they do something for us, we usually tend to be grateful for their deeds as a decent human being. With relatives, the wish list is relatively too long, too exhaustive and most of the time too impractical!

The basic assumption is that if the person is my relative then it’s his/her moral duty to be there for me, come what may! We tend to violate the basic maxim of respecting the right of the other person to choose to do/act/think in a manner which they find befitting their true selves. The expectation comes from the hilarious notion that “if he/she is my relative, then how can he/she not do this for me”?! Do we expect the same from our friends – even the closest ones? NO. There we are willing to respect and rejoice the uniqueness of that person, not find fault with that.

The second challenge lies in the fact that we expect “returns” on our good deeds done for our relatives. It’s typically like if “we could come to your daughter’s wedding and do so much, then how come you cannot come to my daughter’s weeding and do the same, if not much more!” Typically, when we do something for our friends, the bean counting is either nonexistent or much more lenient. Now the rationale behind this particular phenomenon beats me!

The third challenge is the perceived hierarchy in the family and whether ones actions/inactions are in sync with that! Some people, by virtue of their actions/money/attributes assume certain roles and responsibilities in the family structure and all hell can break loose if that status quo is not maintained by others. “Financial status” goes a long way in making or breaking such hierarchy in the family so also the “social skill sets”.

Another peculiar phenomenon is the tendency to interfere in the matters of others under the guise of “being your well wisher/relative”. However, that I think is a universal trait most us Indians have! This one quality succeeds in keeping people alienated as no other trait in a human being can. For the simple reason that it violates the basic need of a person to have at all times – the freedom to choose and be whatever that person wants to be.

Despite all of these pitfalls, I have found myself being happy for my relatives, basking in reflected glory of their achievements, in being inspired by their actions and thoughts (and at times, repelled too!). There is a strange bonding. I know from experience that if a person comes up to me or is introduced to me as a relative (howsoever far flung the relationship might be in the family tree!), a part of me would accept that person as a part of my life without asking the usual questions that would be there for a stranger… Is this my personal bias or is this bias universal, I wonder!?

Daily excursions … “Patience .. a withering virtue”

In the fast paced life that most of us perceive and pride ourselves in our daily living, we hardly ever have the time to experience or practice “patience”. We are in the era of quick fix solutions. I would stick out my neck and claim that the way we function as a society today, we either do not care for what is happening around/within us or else want everything in a jiffy! “We want it and we want it now”– is the attitude. There is nothing wrong with that concept since pace is as important as the ability to be gentle and grounded.

The challenge arrives when we try to sprout the plant from the seed as soon as we plant it without willing to wait for nature to be able to perform its magic on the seed! We tend to act like the child who cannot go off to sleep when he knows that the morning will bring with it the Christmas booty without realising that the day can come only once the night is over and the night is for sleeping and dreaming about the goodies in store! In other words, certain things/events/conditions/activities in life call for the essential ability to wait for the Universe to process it and deliver it to us. It cannot be instant.

Wikipedia defines Patience as the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.

The above definition refers to difficult circumstances in life. Leave aside the difficult circumstances; even our daily routine requires us to have some level of patience. The constant honking of the vehicles on the road (as if the energy emanating from the honking itself will propel all the other vehicles out of our way and into some other dimension of the Universe!), the tight rein over the accelerators at the signals (as if we will lose Formula Race 1 ranking if our vehicle is not the first one to cross the road once the signal turns green!), the frowning faces at the local vegetable vendor’s shop (the homemakers and the office goers alike will sport this look, without exception!), the exasperated look on the face of a socialite waiting at the billing counter of a mall – all are representative of one quality in common – the “can’t wait for my turn” attitude so very prevailing at all times at all places! Why are we so impatient? Are we running out of time or commodities or services or what? I don’t know what actually drives us to feel or behave like that!

Don’t I look out for the smallest queue or get irritated when the processing of the person standing in front of me appears to be taking ages while all the other queues appear to be moving at break neck speed?? I am guilty of experiencing all of these at one time or the other and that is the reason why I am wondering as to whether this quality of “patience” is becoming a fast withering virtue and if so , why??

Daily excursions … “MULTITASKING”

For a long time, I prided myself on the capacity to multitask – being a working professional, a daughter, a wife, a friend …etc, etc, etc – different roles, different responsibilities – all rolled into one – me. It has been a fetish to ensure that I am able to cram or extract the most from any given moment of time! On the other hand, I would be lazy for an indeterminate stretches of time. Extremes – yes. Somehow this cycle made me feel very tired at the end of the day despite achieving whatever I had set out to achieve. It always made me feel as either being chased or being in the motion of chasing something!

I read at many places how it is possible to multitask without getting oneself in a tizzy and could never fathom out how people achieved that. Although my companion in life is a master of this art and science (and so are cats! Just observe them). Yet, I could never figure out how he did it so effortlessly with complete ease and grace.

Recently, I chose to live my life from the realm of pace, ease and grace (P E G – jokingly, I call it drinking the PEG of life). Suddenly, I have come to the realisation that I too can do it and it’s an immense pleasure to be able to live like that. How did this happen? Honestly, I don’t know.

If I were to figure out what I experience when I am doing it, I would capture it as operating from a state of mind where I am fully confident that everything will work out in my best interest, there is no need to hurry & worry, enjoy and be completely involved in whatever I am doing and ensure enough structures are in place to keep me in the flow of the activities (like putting in reminders, making a to do list).

What is your take on this?

Daily excursions … the “PRESENT”

Each day offers something to us – it is in its truest sense a “present” – a gift which we might decide to open, examine, enjoy and be grateful for or which we are simply too busy to even notice the gift, leave aside opening it!

The days when I have been present enough to this “present”, I have ended the day with a “wow” in my heart. Today I have been present to the fact that once I go beyond my self imposed fears and limitations, anything is possible!

The simple things in life gives me pleasure – the blue skies, the green trees, the twittering birds, the lazy cats stretching in the sun – any thing that is natural usually has a serenity and grace of its own. For me, these little things make my present beautiful and never fails to add a touch of joy in my soul.

What makes your “present” seem like a PRESENT to you?

Kitten karma prevails ….

 

 

The last time that I wrote about the new entrant in my life Puchi, the kitten – I had been hoping that we will be able to find her a good home and loving people. Unfortunately, that was not to be. Given the high levels of allergy that I had developed, we had finally no option but to leave her in an area which my companion discovered was a relatively safe haven for cats. The cats in that locality looked well fed (we saw people feeding them), mutually co existing with peace and harmony (which is not the norm in the other areas) and were in a position even to chase the dogs away (We were witness to such an incident)!

With tons of guilt on one hand and the strong survival instinct in me on the other hand, husband and wife went on an early morning trip to leave her in the safe haven. All day long, it was a tough call to work through the day, forever wondering whether she was safe or not, whether she had survived or not… Finally the next morning, both of us went back to see how she fared – and found her hale and hearty, exploring new spaces, co existing with the other cat residents with elan. Although she acknowledged us by coming over but somehow the independent streak in her did not allow her to attach herself to us for a ride back home.

That glimpse of her provided us with some succor and peace of mind… However, after that whenever we have gone there, we have not been successful in spotting her. Both of us have had dreams of her roaming with other cats in a big spacious home – may be the manifestation of what both of us wanted for her independent spirit. Both of us try to convince ourselves and each other that she must be safe… might have already barged in to somebody’s home and claimed it as her own!

Cats do have a way of claiming people and places as their own – we might remain under the illusion that we have rescued or adopted them. In reality, its almost always the other way round…  Here begins our next story…

Two weeks back, my husband returned from work with a gift in hand – another kitten! Now I suppose it was his turn to be a good Samaritan! This little guy (more or less the exact size at which we had left Puchi) had come running to my husband while he was trying to feed some other kittens in the vicinity. The expression was that of a waif who had found his long lost relative! He meowed and melted at my husband’s feet and well, the rest is history… Since this fellow was a bigger one, we decided that we will feed him and then leave him down with the other kittens. Well, the moment I said this, this fellow looked at me with such soulful eyes that even stone would have melted… I was a mere human. For quite some time, there were two human beings waging a battle within as to who would be the villain of the piece to leave him downstairs. Finally keeping in mind our previous encounter about my health issue, both of us took him down and left him in the safety downstairs where the other kittens were already roaming around.

In the morning, when my husband went down, Tiggy (short for Tiger since he had all the markings of a tiger ) made a beeline for him with all the earnestness that a child would show for returning back home after having played outside to his heart’s content. So that’s how Tiggy came back and made a place for himself in our hearts and home. This little fellow had a special liking for my company whereas Puchi, the female version had a special liking for my counterpart. Tiggy was an exact opposite of Puchi in every way – sex, behaviour, likings – you name it. My husband and I would laugh that it was as if a chart was made where in all the characteristics of Puchi were noted and then an exact and opposite one was created and sent into our lives !

One day I found him standing on the bed and arching his whole body in a typical U shape with all the fur standing on his back. Guess what? He was shadow fighting with himself in the mirror… The more aggressive Tiggy became, the more aggressive was his perceived opponent. It was funny! He would continue with this ritual in front of any glass surface. We tried making him understand that it was his own mirror image. His fear went but not his cautious attitude. Somehow, till the last Tiggy was sure that we had a lot of other cats – all locked up at various places.

After a week of his residence with us, I again showed full signs of an allergy. So it was another test for us – what to do next! I was sure that we will not leave her like the way we had left Puchi since there was always that thorn of uncertainty pricking away at our conscience and heart… So the next thing to do was to find this little guy a home. Finally, again my husband took the initiative of putting up an ad on line for people willing to adopt him. After a few unsuccessful attempts, we were lucky to find a beautiful lady willing to adopt our Tiggy. She saw his pics on the net and fell in love with him – hook, line and sinker.

So again we undertook another cat journey with Tiggy to her home and were happy to see that not only was she a very loving person, she was genuinely glad to welcome this bundle of meow in her home and heart! I cant describe the relief and solace we felt while coming back home with the knowledge in our heart and mind that this time around the story has a happy ending… not a suspense thriller whose ending is left to our imagination for ever….

Tiggy, it seems, has now settled down well in his new home and lapping up all the love that her new adopted human partner is showering on him… and there is a song of thanksgiving in my heart … perhaps our kitten karma has now come full circle.

Parallels between reading a book and living ones’ life!!!

Books have been my companion for a long time. Every time I pick up a new book to read… it’s like starting on a new voyage… the journey as well as the destination … both not known before hand. The synopsis or the review can give an idea about the various turns and corners to be expected but what will happen actually in the journey cannot be anticipated in full. That is the fun part of it. It’s like life – we know and expect to go through certain phases in life – childhood, youth, love, marriage, children, old age, and death – the entire gamut of living. Yet we never know at the time of our birth as to when childhood will give way to youth or adulthood, whether love will happen the way we expect it to happen! Whether there will be a marriage and so on and so forth…

With books also, we cannot fully anticipate as to what will be there on the next page. The similarities are many and perhaps the reason for it is that whatever we read and write, somewhere it is borne out of our own experiences and thoughts…

Every book for me is a journey into the experiences or thoughts of another individual or many individuals -something to be learnt, something to be identified with, some new idea which helps me know that I do not know so many things – it expands my horizon of thinking and living…

I feel that one of the best investment in life is buying books and spending time with these beautiful friends…who stay with us quietly, do not demand any conversation or attention, are always willing to have a conversation with us whenever we feel like having their company… so happy reading!!!

The new entrant in my life … Puchi …. a kitten

Well… they say a cat has nine lives… the one which has come into my life two months back has at least exhausted 3 so far!!! I had found her in the compound of where we live .. she was with two other kittens and a mother cat. I had presumed she was the mother of this one too..  when I got some milk for all of them, the mother cat started punching this one as if it was a boxing bag!!! Finally I simply picked it up and brought her home with a clear cut intention that I will take her down the next day in the morning… well that morning is still to come!!!

I have discovered many things after the entry of this very malnourished kitten into our lives – my husband can be a devoted cat lover, I started feeling ignored as now my husband has a new bed partner… Puchi… She makes sure that she sleeps between us!! I have changed my sleeping abode since my doctor has discovered that I am allergic to cat although I love animals!!! I have discovered why doctors dont tell you beforehand in details how allergy tests are done – simple – nobody would say yes to the painful procedure !!!

Well, I was telling you how Puchi has used her 3 life times so far – once she started getting better and bigger, we found she was happier in the natural surroundings and had a gala time playing with the kids in the evening. So we started leaving her in the compound in the evenings. One day my husband found her all beaten up … there are a lot of tomcats.. so perhaps one of them took a strong dislike to her and gave her a good beating. She was nearly paralysed and we took her to a vet with a lot of trepidation. After a few injections and medication, she was ok. On the check up trips to the vet, she attacks the vet. The vet is sure she has a very good memory of the injection jibes she has made Puchi go thru and intends to take revenge!!

The next time she recovered, she again showed her clear intentions of where she wanted to be – outside in the natural surroundings – this time around it was quite a challenge to even catch hold of her in the nights to bring her home!! So one night she was nowhere to be seen anywhere.. we thought she must be sleeping somewhere. Before going off to sleep, my husband just went to look for her once more. She was nowhere to be seen. Then somewhere on sheer instinct he went down and looked in to the pit of the lift … Puchi was there. It was a shock for all of us. Finally my husband managed to rescue her from the pit.. Again we had Puchi dragging herself all around .. her hind legs were not working.. Believe me, its a sight I would not wish upon anybody. Finally X -rays and visit to the vet assured us that she was in one piece…not before we had a few worrisome moments!

Well, now by Gods grace she is good and jumping all over the place, including us.. sometimes it feels as if we are extensions of the furniture for her.. the manner in which she walks and jumps all over the place!! She understands every word we say and has a penchant for proving us wrong!! She makes sure that she gets to know everything that is available for her on the menu before she starts having her meal..

Currently we are fervently looking for a safe home for her, people willing to adopt her since my allergy is in bad shape… People tell me why dont I just leave her down or some residential property and very honestly, when I have my bouts of sneezing, wheezing and coughing I am tempted to do so but then once I look at her, I simply know I cant.. She is so cute, vulnerable and beautiful.. I simply cant let her go like that.. she deserves a good home and caring people.. I hope she finds one soon…

 

The Secret and the Tenth Insight

I am currently reading the book “The Secret” and “The Tenth Insight”. I am enjoying both for more than one reason. It has made me realise, focus, understand and appreciate  a lot of things and happenings in my life and my thoughts, which otherwise go unnoticed in the daily humdrum of living. It is like getting to have those essential pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that completes the jigsaw puzzle and confirms the picture which was earlier there as a possibility but not certainity. It is like those behind the scene revelations that make us enjoy and appreciate our favorite movies even more!

I always thought and recognised that coincidences happen in our lives for specific reasons. It is seldom random and without an inherent tapestry of beauty and reason. The significance and the beauty of the miracle dawns on us, sometimes instantly but mostly after some time! 

I have always considered myself people lucky meaning that the people who come into my life – almost all of them have played a significant role and the experiences which I had with them were relevant as well as required at that point of time. In the worst of crisis times, I have had complete strangers turning up and standing beside me in tiding over the difficult times. I used to recognise and appreciate these coincidences in my life. Now I do so with even more passion and gratitude.