Kitten karma prevails ….

 

 

The last time that I wrote about the new entrant in my life Puchi, the kitten – I had been hoping that we will be able to find her a good home and loving people. Unfortunately, that was not to be. Given the high levels of allergy that I had developed, we had finally no option but to leave her in an area which my companion discovered was a relatively safe haven for cats. The cats in that locality looked well fed (we saw people feeding them), mutually co existing with peace and harmony (which is not the norm in the other areas) and were in a position even to chase the dogs away (We were witness to such an incident)!

With tons of guilt on one hand and the strong survival instinct in me on the other hand, husband and wife went on an early morning trip to leave her in the safe haven. All day long, it was a tough call to work through the day, forever wondering whether she was safe or not, whether she had survived or not… Finally the next morning, both of us went back to see how she fared – and found her hale and hearty, exploring new spaces, co existing with the other cat residents with elan. Although she acknowledged us by coming over but somehow the independent streak in her did not allow her to attach herself to us for a ride back home.

That glimpse of her provided us with some succor and peace of mind… However, after that whenever we have gone there, we have not been successful in spotting her. Both of us have had dreams of her roaming with other cats in a big spacious home – may be the manifestation of what both of us wanted for her independent spirit. Both of us try to convince ourselves and each other that she must be safe… might have already barged in to somebody’s home and claimed it as her own!

Cats do have a way of claiming people and places as their own – we might remain under the illusion that we have rescued or adopted them. In reality, its almost always the other way round…  Here begins our next story…

Two weeks back, my husband returned from work with a gift in hand – another kitten! Now I suppose it was his turn to be a good Samaritan! This little guy (more or less the exact size at which we had left Puchi) had come running to my husband while he was trying to feed some other kittens in the vicinity. The expression was that of a waif who had found his long lost relative! He meowed and melted at my husband’s feet and well, the rest is history… Since this fellow was a bigger one, we decided that we will feed him and then leave him down with the other kittens. Well, the moment I said this, this fellow looked at me with such soulful eyes that even stone would have melted… I was a mere human. For quite some time, there were two human beings waging a battle within as to who would be the villain of the piece to leave him downstairs. Finally keeping in mind our previous encounter about my health issue, both of us took him down and left him in the safety downstairs where the other kittens were already roaming around.

In the morning, when my husband went down, Tiggy (short for Tiger since he had all the markings of a tiger ) made a beeline for him with all the earnestness that a child would show for returning back home after having played outside to his heart’s content. So that’s how Tiggy came back and made a place for himself in our hearts and home. This little fellow had a special liking for my company whereas Puchi, the female version had a special liking for my counterpart. Tiggy was an exact opposite of Puchi in every way – sex, behaviour, likings – you name it. My husband and I would laugh that it was as if a chart was made where in all the characteristics of Puchi were noted and then an exact and opposite one was created and sent into our lives !

One day I found him standing on the bed and arching his whole body in a typical U shape with all the fur standing on his back. Guess what? He was shadow fighting with himself in the mirror… The more aggressive Tiggy became, the more aggressive was his perceived opponent. It was funny! He would continue with this ritual in front of any glass surface. We tried making him understand that it was his own mirror image. His fear went but not his cautious attitude. Somehow, till the last Tiggy was sure that we had a lot of other cats – all locked up at various places.

After a week of his residence with us, I again showed full signs of an allergy. So it was another test for us – what to do next! I was sure that we will not leave her like the way we had left Puchi since there was always that thorn of uncertainty pricking away at our conscience and heart… So the next thing to do was to find this little guy a home. Finally, again my husband took the initiative of putting up an ad on line for people willing to adopt him. After a few unsuccessful attempts, we were lucky to find a beautiful lady willing to adopt our Tiggy. She saw his pics on the net and fell in love with him – hook, line and sinker.

So again we undertook another cat journey with Tiggy to her home and were happy to see that not only was she a very loving person, she was genuinely glad to welcome this bundle of meow in her home and heart! I cant describe the relief and solace we felt while coming back home with the knowledge in our heart and mind that this time around the story has a happy ending… not a suspense thriller whose ending is left to our imagination for ever….

Tiggy, it seems, has now settled down well in his new home and lapping up all the love that her new adopted human partner is showering on him… and there is a song of thanksgiving in my heart … perhaps our kitten karma has now come full circle.

Parallels between reading a book and living ones’ life!!!

Books have been my companion for a long time. Every time I pick up a new book to read… it’s like starting on a new voyage… the journey as well as the destination … both not known before hand. The synopsis or the review can give an idea about the various turns and corners to be expected but what will happen actually in the journey cannot be anticipated in full. That is the fun part of it. It’s like life – we know and expect to go through certain phases in life – childhood, youth, love, marriage, children, old age, and death – the entire gamut of living. Yet we never know at the time of our birth as to when childhood will give way to youth or adulthood, whether love will happen the way we expect it to happen! Whether there will be a marriage and so on and so forth…

With books also, we cannot fully anticipate as to what will be there on the next page. The similarities are many and perhaps the reason for it is that whatever we read and write, somewhere it is borne out of our own experiences and thoughts…

Every book for me is a journey into the experiences or thoughts of another individual or many individuals -something to be learnt, something to be identified with, some new idea which helps me know that I do not know so many things – it expands my horizon of thinking and living…

I feel that one of the best investment in life is buying books and spending time with these beautiful friends…who stay with us quietly, do not demand any conversation or attention, are always willing to have a conversation with us whenever we feel like having their company… so happy reading!!!

The new entrant in my life … Puchi …. a kitten

Well… they say a cat has nine lives… the one which has come into my life two months back has at least exhausted 3 so far!!! I had found her in the compound of where we live .. she was with two other kittens and a mother cat. I had presumed she was the mother of this one too..  when I got some milk for all of them, the mother cat started punching this one as if it was a boxing bag!!! Finally I simply picked it up and brought her home with a clear cut intention that I will take her down the next day in the morning… well that morning is still to come!!!

I have discovered many things after the entry of this very malnourished kitten into our lives – my husband can be a devoted cat lover, I started feeling ignored as now my husband has a new bed partner… Puchi… She makes sure that she sleeps between us!! I have changed my sleeping abode since my doctor has discovered that I am allergic to cat although I love animals!!! I have discovered why doctors dont tell you beforehand in details how allergy tests are done – simple – nobody would say yes to the painful procedure !!!

Well, I was telling you how Puchi has used her 3 life times so far – once she started getting better and bigger, we found she was happier in the natural surroundings and had a gala time playing with the kids in the evening. So we started leaving her in the compound in the evenings. One day my husband found her all beaten up … there are a lot of tomcats.. so perhaps one of them took a strong dislike to her and gave her a good beating. She was nearly paralysed and we took her to a vet with a lot of trepidation. After a few injections and medication, she was ok. On the check up trips to the vet, she attacks the vet. The vet is sure she has a very good memory of the injection jibes she has made Puchi go thru and intends to take revenge!!

The next time she recovered, she again showed her clear intentions of where she wanted to be – outside in the natural surroundings – this time around it was quite a challenge to even catch hold of her in the nights to bring her home!! So one night she was nowhere to be seen anywhere.. we thought she must be sleeping somewhere. Before going off to sleep, my husband just went to look for her once more. She was nowhere to be seen. Then somewhere on sheer instinct he went down and looked in to the pit of the lift … Puchi was there. It was a shock for all of us. Finally my husband managed to rescue her from the pit.. Again we had Puchi dragging herself all around .. her hind legs were not working.. Believe me, its a sight I would not wish upon anybody. Finally X -rays and visit to the vet assured us that she was in one piece…not before we had a few worrisome moments!

Well, now by Gods grace she is good and jumping all over the place, including us.. sometimes it feels as if we are extensions of the furniture for her.. the manner in which she walks and jumps all over the place!! She understands every word we say and has a penchant for proving us wrong!! She makes sure that she gets to know everything that is available for her on the menu before she starts having her meal..

Currently we are fervently looking for a safe home for her, people willing to adopt her since my allergy is in bad shape… People tell me why dont I just leave her down or some residential property and very honestly, when I have my bouts of sneezing, wheezing and coughing I am tempted to do so but then once I look at her, I simply know I cant.. She is so cute, vulnerable and beautiful.. I simply cant let her go like that.. she deserves a good home and caring people.. I hope she finds one soon…

 

The Secret and the Tenth Insight

I am currently reading the book “The Secret” and “The Tenth Insight”. I am enjoying both for more than one reason. It has made me realise, focus, understand and appreciate  a lot of things and happenings in my life and my thoughts, which otherwise go unnoticed in the daily humdrum of living. It is like getting to have those essential pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that completes the jigsaw puzzle and confirms the picture which was earlier there as a possibility but not certainity. It is like those behind the scene revelations that make us enjoy and appreciate our favorite movies even more!

I always thought and recognised that coincidences happen in our lives for specific reasons. It is seldom random and without an inherent tapestry of beauty and reason. The significance and the beauty of the miracle dawns on us, sometimes instantly but mostly after some time! 

I have always considered myself people lucky meaning that the people who come into my life – almost all of them have played a significant role and the experiences which I had with them were relevant as well as required at that point of time. In the worst of crisis times, I have had complete strangers turning up and standing beside me in tiding over the difficult times. I used to recognise and appreciate these coincidences in my life. Now I do so with even more passion and gratitude.

Blacky and Browny…. epitome of “Unconditional love”

Blacky and Browny are two street dogs whom I met outside the office of my companion. I had heard about them from him but it was my experience with them that still continues to amaze me.

Wondering what is so unique about these two street dogs ?!!!! Well, believe me ….. plenty….

These two dogs are sort of unofficial watchdogs with the security personnel manning the entrance of the office where my husband works. So one day when he tried to enter the premises in the absence of the security personnel, these two made sure that he would not be able to enter the gate till the security guards returned. No, they did not bark or bite or do anything in between.. they simply made sure that he petted them by literally putting up their paws onto his chest, with wagging tails.. Winning strategy I would say… My husband came home that night with the tale of these intelligent twosome.

Next day, my sweetheart took along some eatables for them … of course he was in love with their ingenious way of stalling his entry into his own office!!! The twosome simply refused to eat anything and again made sure that they got enough cuddling and petting from him for people to start believing that they must be his pets!

The favourite place of sleeping for Blacky is the sofa designated for guests which she forfeits with a look that would make any human being feel pretty bad about dislodging her from her comfort zone! Her second best choice is the air conditioned workplace. My companion tells me that in case she is having her beauty sleep in there, she will acknowledge his presence with a thump of the tail, a quirk of her ear and by opening one of her eyes. But beyond that she will not move a single muscle. The silent message – “if you want to love me and want to pet me then come to me, rite now I am resting and am not going to move my ass!!”

It appears that Blacky is more vibrant and involved in things around her than Browny who is more of the silent, sensitive and diplomat kind. Kids come for skating in the campus adjacent to the office of my companion. So one day my husband found that not only all the kids were listening to the ranting of their skating instructor but so was Blacky. It seemed that Blacky had a huge grin plastered on her face at the plight of the children. When she saw my companion, she gave him one of her brilliant smiles, thumped her tail and went back to listening what the irate instructor had to say.. all the while sitting at the back of the kids circling their instructor.. 

So on and off I would kept on hearing various anecdotes about their antics from my husband and then came the moment of absolute surprise for me…

It was the festive season and my husband was working. So in the evening me and my mom were scheduled to pick him up  from his office on our way home from the puja pandal. Once we reached there, I got out of the car, intimated him about our arrival and started to walk around since this was my first visit to his current office.

Suddenly I saw one black dog making its way towards me with a grin on its face and a wagging tail. You guessed it right.. it was Blacky. I was nowhere near the gate. Till date I dont know how she recognised me or why she came towards me on her own. I love animals… thats a fact. But in this particular case, I had not even noticed that she was there. I will never forget the expression in her eyes… full of love and laughter… as if we were long lost friends who were getting reunited …. As soon as she saw an answering grin on my face, she simply ran upto me, putting her front paws on my chest, trying her level best to lick me anywhere and everywhere…. it felt like a homecoming to me. I  can recall very few occassions in my life where human beings have given me such genuine, warm and unconditional love or made me feel so welcome. Following her closely and watching me with eager and soulful eyes was her partner Browny. He did not immediately come up to me but waited patiently for Blacky to shower her exuberance on me. It wagged its tail, a little less vigorously than Blacky but with such a soulful look in its liquid brown eyes that my immediate reaction was to nod my head towards him. That was enough to start an avalanche of affection from him too. Browny is bigger than Blacky and heavier too. He simply came forward, nudged his nose inbetween me and Blacky for his share of petting. Once he realised that Blacky had no intentions of letting him get in between, he went over to the other side and stood up with his front two paws on my chest! I realised that if I did not want to land up on my back on the road, I had better do something about my position!So all three of us shifted to the pavement near the road to continue our non verbal conversation…

For the next few minutes, all three of us were deeply engaged in simply sharing our love for each other. Blacky wanted to have all the attention whereas Browny was sure that such a proposition was not fair!! So on one hand I had Blacky licking my hands, my face and my feet to make sure that she had the maximum attention and on the other hand, Browny would simply nudge his wet nose under my elbow to get his share of love and petting. What was amazing was the way both of them would look up at me… I can still feel that choking sensation of the emotions that I had experienced and those tears of absolute bliss and homecoming that I had felt at that moment. The unconditional love that these two bestowed upon me was amazing….

Once my companion arrived on the scene, Blacky continued to stay with me unabashedly. But we discovered that Browny was quite a diplomat! He immediately looked pretty concerned about what my husband would think about their display of affection towards me. He moved towards him with a look of trepidation and an expression which seemed to say that his loyalty towards him was in no way compromised! Once he petted him and said that it was alright with him for Browny to be going over to me, Browny waited for a few more seconds before coming back to me for more petting!!!  It was amazing the way these two dogs can communicate with their eyes… They understand what we are saying in words or through our silence and respond immediately to that…

I have gone to meet my husband a couple of times after that day…. sometimes with a reason and sometimes just for meeting those two loving creatures! Each time I have come back with so much of unconditional love and affection which I cannot describe and limit in words… Its an experience, which I hope, I shall continue to have with them for a long long time… 

Many lives, Many masters ….an interesting read

I recently read the book “Many lives, many masters” by Dr. Brian Weiss. It was interesting in more ways than one. It complemented my earlier understanding of life and time from the writings of Richard Bach and Paulo Coelho.

The bottomline is that “life is eternal and soul cannot be destroyed”  and ” there are different planes of living such that time is only a concept restricted to the human mind”

The book by Dr. Brian Weiss tells about his experience with his female patient who changed the way he practised the concept of tracing the current day challenges and problems of his patients to their past experiences on the basis of “Go back to the time from which your symptoms arise.”  He literally stumbled on to the concept of reincarnation through the experience of his patient.

 This particular reading has given me a certain peace of mind. It has helped me reconcile a lot of things , lots of loose ends in my life. It makes my acceptance of death in a completely different light. It has made me realise the futility of holding grudges against people for perceived slights. It makes me rethink about the way I am living my life and the way in which I am thinking all day long. It has made me question and rethink about my professional life also. Most importantly it has made me realise that I am complete and dont need to go around being afraid of anything or anybody because each experience and each human being has a distinct place in the story of my life. It has given me a seed of tranquility and peace which I am sure shall flower into a lifetime of abundance and experiences…

We can accomplish almost anything within our ability if we but think that we can

Read any of the books written by Richard Bach and this sentence will look quite normal and ordinary. For that matter, the writings of Paulo Coelho also has similar essence. It simply goes one step further and states that if we desire something with all our being – body , mind and soul – the Universe conspires to make it happen for us!! I believe in both as I have experienced the manifestations of these two thoughts in my life time and again… And  my heart is full of gratitude to the Universe for that.

Whenever I have believed that I can , I have – that is the truth I have experienced in life.  Whenever I have believed in myself, I have really allowed the power of the Universe to work through me and for me.   The Universe or the Supreme Power, whatever we call it, is always there for us. It is up to us how we tap into it, how we make use of that power.The trials and tribulations in my life have invariably enriched and blessed me with people and/or achievements I had been yearning for.

We mortals usually tend to argue for our own limitations and with absolute precision we end up having or experiencing whatever we have always dreaded. The reason is very  simple – when we are dreading something, all our energies are focussed on the negative thought. There is no other option but for that negative thought to get manifested in the physical world.

Yet I have not put in consistent efforts to make this an integral part of my mindset and habitual thinking. Today I am starting a new experiment for myself. I am going to keep on reminding myself this one thought again and again through out the day at regular intervals for the goals I am setting for myself. I am aiming at discovering, experiencing and living my life to the fullest….

  

Death … the ultimate reality

   Death is the ultimate reality of life. Whether we accept it or not, the countdown for that begins the moment we take our first breath of life. Yet it is considered a very morbid or gloomy topic to talk about, something too sombre or depressing to to be part of conversations amongst friends! We are mostly compelled to think about it or talk about it only when we lose a near and dear one and feel the absence of that person in our lives. Otherwise, we avoid this topic as much as possible. I suppose the subject of “Death” or the possibility of death opens up a pandora’s box of emotions for all of us which is difficult for us to accept! Death signifies the end of our identity as we perceive it in the normal parlance…

I realised about my fascination with death when my companion in life pointed this out  to me. Prior to that I was not even aware of my fascination with death. This writing is an effort to know the cause of my fascination. I have found that writing provides me with insights about myself and my thought processes which otherwise elude me.

Many a times, for reasonable reasons (at least thats how they appeared to me!!) or without reasons, I have had the urge to withdraw from life and experience what is there beyond life. I was more than willing to let go of life and embrace death….I feel death is ultimately the culmination of life….

I have witnessed death very closely because of my dad. He was a rheumatoid arthritic patient. The disease or the prescription drugs for his condition (no doctor could say for sure in the end!) had literally eaten away all the good tissues of his lungs so that only tiny islands of good tissues remained in the sea of darkness which once used to be his full fledged, healthy and  good working lungs. He was a non smoker all his life and a very active person. Once I saw his chest report, even before the doctors could say anything, I knew that his days were numbered. The backward countdown had begun in earnest and there was no way to stop the hands of the clock…

My dad wanted to live. He did not want to die. He wanted to live so very badly that it seemed criminal to even acknowledge to myself that there was no way I could help him sustain any longer. We could have perhaps kept him on a ventillator permanently for some time and let him sustain life but as a vegetable, without much dignity. He was sure he did not want that and so was I.

 We had fought many battles together before against death and won. But this time around it was clear that we had no more ammunition left to fight this battle. And he wanted to live…. he wanted to live his retired life peacefully, he wanted to see me getting married and settle down, he wanted to buy a new home for himself and my mom with the money from the sale of their earlier home, he wanted to travel and see the world… In short, he wanted to have a second chance at life..

His last days in the hospital were painful because each breath was an effort. Feeding him a bowl of soup was a victory against time for him as well as for me. As an onlooker, we felt that death would perhaps be a more peaceful release for him from all the pain and suffering he was going through. Yet he was not ready. All his life he had believed in hard work and creating new things. He believed in the existence of God but was not the one to stand before idols of God with bowed head. In his last days, he told us that God has assured him that he will take care of him. His interpretation – he would live…

At that moment I dont know which emotion was the stronger of the two in my mind – frustration that he was not willing to accept death peacefully and we were seeing him suffer each moment or the solace that he was happy with that interpretation..

I am not proud of all the emotions that I went through during those days. I worried about how I was going to sustain him, take care of my mom and live my own life. Financial considerations started to crop up. All of this even when I knew that his days were numbered. Although nobody knew whether it would be days, weeks or months. But the doctors were sure that the process was irreversible. On one hand I was doing all that was possible to keep him alive and find if there was any way in which I could sustain him longer.  On the other hand, I was tired of the fight we had been putting up for the past twelve years – 0n and off, for his survival. I was tired of being responsible for his well being.  I wanted to become a child who would be taken care of, protected against the adversities of life … I did not want to be the warrior anymore… I wanted somebody else to come and fight the battle for me.

Somedays I am harsh on myself for all that I did or failed to do during those days. Sometimes I try to forgive myself for being human and selfish…. The struggle goes on. 

When we hospitalised him for breathing problems and his condition stabilised a bit, the doctor called me in his room. He told me that my dad’s lungs were in very bad shape and his survival was at stake. The first thought to strike me was – he would not be able to undertake a cruise around the world which he always dreamt of.  For a numbing moment, thats all I could think of. The wave of sorrow that I felt along with the tears of regret is still there with me, even now. It felt as if we had missed out on something very important and precious in our lives together.  In my efforts to find myself had I overlooked the moments which we could have lived together?

I try to rationalise that it was a mutual mistake. He was very busy with his work when I had wanted his time and by the time he wanted more of me in his life, I was busy trying to find me and my place in the scheme of things in this world. I realise now that we take our lives and the people in our lives so very much for granted that sometimes we miss out on moments which we dream of creating together….

 Remembrances – memories of the triumphs and tribulations faced together,  moments of laughter and joy shared together – that is all that remains ultimately.

Perhaps the biggest reason of my fascination with death is that it causes me to reflect on the way I am living. It makes me aware of the fragility and innate redundancy of life unless it is lived with consciousness. Paradoxically death provides an opportunity for the human fortitude and the strength of the sould to shine through. When death is around, the person who is on the death bed as well the people around that person are bound to discover their true selves. There is no time for playacting anybody other than one actually is. There is no way one can run away from ones innermost yearnings and principles at that point of time. It is one of those few moments in life when a person is ones highest self as well as the lowest… both the ends of the spectrum are visible with clarity… And sometimes after that revelation is through, the illusions and expectations in life become minimal or non existent. As somebody has said – its the best of times and its also the worst of times …..

BEING LONELY VERSUS BEING ALONE!!

 

Loneliness is a state of mind which is pretty painful. I have gone thru it and suffered it. At the time it felt like the worst thing to have happened to me. But it was like the darkest hour before the sunrise. It made me resume my habit of reading books and opened up new vistas of experiences and knowledge. It also opened up the doors of experiencing bliss of being alone!!  

  

We can all transform our loneliness into aloneness. Believe me there is a lot of difference between the two. We are scared of loneliness because we do not like ourselves, we are not in love with ourselves.Why do we not feel lonely when we are with people whom we love or like?Simply becoz we love being in their company. When we are in love with ourselves, loneliness gets transformed into being alone… thats truly a state of meditation and pure bliss…. Try it sometime… you will get to know yourself better!! 

 

 

As I see it, loneliness is basically a state of dejection, self pity and inertia. One can overcome loneliness by doing things which one feels passionate about. Reading books, dancing, painting, photography, cooking …. the list can go on. Passion for any activity or/and compassion for a worthwhile cause always has the potential to rejuvenate us, uplift us from the dungeon of dejection to the mountaintop of enthusiasm and vitality!!

Can we free ourselves from Pain ?

Why is it so difficult to create and nurture growth, prosperity, joy and tranquility in our lives ?

I wonder why we human beings inflict so much pain on each other – through our words, deeds or sometimes even in our thoughts?! Is it such a challenging task to coexist in peace? Would we be less self expressed if we do not say or do things with force and violence ? Is it essential that we slaughter mankind or trample the emotions of our fellow human beings  on our way to establishing  supremacy over others or  proving the righteousness of our thinking and behaviour ?

 In life threatening situations, taking refuge in violence might be the last resort for survival but can we rationalise the petty insults we trade in the course of our day to day  living at home , workplace or at any other place?!

We participate in altercations, fights, wars, destruction, injuries….. the list is endless. Whether we do it willingly or unwillingly, the sad part is that all of us are involved in it one way or the other. Would we become lesser mortals if we do not stomp each other in the race to become “more” or accumulate “more” ?

I find there is an inherent thread of violence interwoven in our thoughts, attitude, words and/or deeds. Be it on the personal front or as a society or at the workplace or as a nation or in the international arena – why are we so violent? What is it that we want to prove to each other – the supremacy of our viewpoints? Or is it a sheer power struggle? Or is there something inherently flawed in us which does not allow us to think and live in a loving manner?

All of us have an inherent limit of tolerance and patience for the brickbats life and people throw our way. Few choose to live a life of love, forgiveness and tolerance although all the religions are propagating these concepts for centuries now ! One, it takes a lot of  faith, courage and patience to choose and practise those qualities in real life. Two, it is easier to to react than to respond to the things that happens to us. The irony is that each individual, group or nation has a rationale which fully justifies the actions undertaken in response to a real or perceived challenge, threat or insult !!

I have observed that beyond the threshold limit of my tolerance, I am tempted to pay back the person who hurts me in his/her own coin. The temptation comes from the thought that why should I suffer alone? The attitude is to make the other person pay for his/her deeds. I know that my pain will not go away by hurling back the pain and insult the other person might have given me. I might succeed in exacting revenge from the other person but it will not diminish even an iota of my own pain. 

Why should I experience such an urge for revenge or violence when I cannot understand the rationale for being violent or being revengeful ? Is it the fear that if I dont hurt back the other person will consider me weak? Is it the desire to get even with the other person that drives me to comtemplate counterattack? If I was free of my fear and the desire to get even, what would be my reaction then, what would be my thoughts then?

I think I would be more interested in healing my self, safeguarding my self against future attacks and most importantly, I would be stronger since I would not allow the other person to hurt me with words or with deeds !! How? Once I know that inflicting pain on the other person would not reduce my pain, hurting others would be pointless for me.  Words or deeds hurt me only when I allow these to reach me. If I dont allow the words to stab my heart and the deeds to wound my body, can anybody really cause me harm?! I think not…. Can this work out in real life?? Well I will try out and see!!